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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434431">aren't we just terrified?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenwhenitsraining/pseuds/evenwhenitsraining'>evenwhenitsraining</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Velvet (K-pop Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, Post-Break Up, exes au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:20:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenwhenitsraining/pseuds/evenwhenitsraining</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Joohyun stands idly in the corner, watching Seulgi carefully shove her closet's content in a suitcase and gets rid of all things yellow and orange around the apartment, and Joohyun feels like Seulgi—her favorite artist in the entire world—is erasing all the sketches and strokes she painted in their canvas. (title from "roslyn" by bon iver &amp; st. vincent)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. chapter 1: they will be crashing low</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>(started november 7, 2020, finished december 16, 2020)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joohyun doesn't really know how it started. She doesn't know how it ended, either.  </p><p>What she does know is one day she wakes up from a dreamless sleep, numbly reaches for Seulgi's side of the bed, scoots close next to her girlfriend of three years and feels everything but warmth. At first, she thinks it was their faulty AC having technical problems again, or maybe the weather was just harshly frigid that day, contrary to what the weatherman said on the news last night. Joohyun tightens her hold on Seulgi, trying to find a little friction, any comfort, but the more she tightens her hold the more she feels suffocated. The younger girl stirs in her sleep, mumbling nonsense incoherently, and Joohyun can't keep her stare directed at her peaceful face, which is ironic since she remembers telling Seulgi on their fifth date that she would never, ever get tired of her face. </p><p>So Joohyun lets go and gets up from the bed she shared with Seulgi for the past two years. She tries to look at the sleeping girl again, chasing that drowsy lovesickness early in the morning. Gone was the urge to pepper a sleeping Seulgi with kisses or stare at her lovingly until she wakes up. She doesn't crave the feeling of sleeping in until early noon, just cuddling with the monolid girl while she slips in and out of dreamland like old times. Joohyun's heartbeat quickens for a second, not because of Seulgi, but because of the idea that she feels nothing. She stares blankly at their bedroom's wall, sighs for the umpteenth time and leaves the room quietly, not gaining enough courage to kiss her girlfriend's forehead.  </p><p>Joohyun goes to the kitchen and makes breakfast for herself. She and Seulgi aren't really fond of cooking, but they tried to attend a couple of cooking classes here and there. They take turns in cooking meals daily, and she briefly remembers that it's Seulgi's turn today but quickly discards the idea because she already poured the oil and cracked a single piece of egg. Joohyun sighs and flips the fried egg, her appetite suddenly sinking away. She feels a pair of arms encircle her waist and she jumps out of surprise, and only then she remembers that there are two people living in this apartment. </p><p>"Only one egg?" Seulgi teases her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, and Joohyun remembers the times she would do it for the younger girl with fondness twinkling in her eyes. Now, she lets her arms stay glued to the spatula and the pan handle, not returning the backhug that she once used to drop everything for. </p><p>"It was for you," Joohyun lies, because it's easier to lie than to explain how she forgot that Seulgi eats breakfast too. She'd like to add she didn't really forget, that it just slipped from her mind, but at the same time she also knows that's a lie. So she keeps her mouth tightly sealed after that sentence, afraid that she'll come off misunderstood early in the morning, a headache already forming.</p><p>Seulgi gingerly kisses her cheek and slowly breaks away from the hug, yawning and leaning in for a full kiss on the lips. Joohyun evades swiftly, and Seulgi looks at her with a mixture of wariness and hurt. "Go brush your teeth first," Joohyun saves and Seulgi's frown turns into a toothless smile. She breathes out a sigh of relief when Seulgi doesn't mention the countless times in the past where she would kiss her right after she wakes up, morning breath be damned, with no complaint or trouble at all. Instead, she wordlessly shuffles to the bathroom and gets on with her routine, not waiting for Joohyun. </p><p>Joohyun doesn't know how she makes up her mind and forms a decision. She doesn't know why it's so easy, either. </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>"You're staring," Seulgi quips, a look of barely concealed fondness dancing in her features. The younger girl is on her phone browsing through her weekly planner while sitting on the kitchen counter, other hand intertwined with Irene's as the other one scrolls mindlessly through the screen. Joohyun's free hand grips the spatula and turns two pieces of eggs while laughing softly. Seulgi shuts her phone off, hops off the counter and hugs Joohyun from behind, their hands never losing contact. She can feel Seulgi inhaling her scent in, closing her eyes and planting a small kiss on the corner of her lips. "Don't burn my breakfast, please."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joohyun hurriedly turns off the stove and puts down the kitchen utensil as she turns around to fully embrace the younger girl, tilting her head and claiming her lips in a kiss. Her free hand pulls Seulgi's head closer while the other wanders aimlessly on her back, desperately trying to not let go because she's so in love right now, and this might be the morning haziness speaking but her heart grows twice in size. They stay connected in that spot in the kitchen for two or three minutes before Seulgi pulls away, gasping for breath, a smile adorning her swollen lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I haven't even brushed my teeth yet but you can't resist me," the monolid girl mumbles into her shoulder. When she lifts her head and looks down at Joohyun, her face is full of unconditional love and unmatched tenderness. Still latched to Seulgi, Joohyun plates their breakfast and prepares two glasses of orange juice. Still not saying a thing, both of them goes to the bathroom to start their morning routines. She endearingly stares at Seulgi while she brushes her teeth, and Seulgi applies their shared facial cream on her blushing cheeks for her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joohyun and Seulgi make it back to the dining table to eat what the former prepared. They've barely spoken since the small exhange while Joohyun was cooking, but Joohyun's never felt this contented and domestic before. Seulgi's back on her phone replying to client emails while munching on her toasted bread while Joohyun takes a sip from her glass, smiling at her favorite view in the morning besides Seulgi's face: their joined hands under the table. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>When Seulgi approaches and joins her at the dining table, Joohyun looks at her eyes for the first time that morning. And God, she feels her knees go weak and almost falters. Joohyun remembers staring at those very eyes and feeling nothing but adoration whenever they go on dates and stroll along Han River. She remembers staring at the haziness of them during intimate moments, at the sparkling stars in them whenever she tells Seulgi she loves her. Now, more than ever, Joohyun can still see all of them at once, and she thinks how it's unfair how unchanging and unwavering Seulgi is while she's already having doubts. </p><p>The younger girl sits down and stares at her, an unreadable expression on her face. Joohyun hates how she can't read her blank face right now and briefly tries to pinpoint the moment she stopped knowing how to understand Seulgi. She tries to remember when it started to not make sense, when it all started to became one foggy blur full of unspoken words and arguments held at the tips of their tongue. For a moment, Joohyun breaks eye contact with Seulgi and keeps her gaze planted on the table, hating herself for a million things she has yet to know, for the words she's about to say next. </p><p>"I think... I think we should break up." </p><p>Seulgi purses her lips into a thin line and cuts the single piece of fried egg in half, impaling the other piece with her fork and feeding it to Joohyun. The latter hesitates before taking it in her mouth, tears already streaming down her face, tasting the saltiness that she's sure is not from the fried egg she cooked. Seulgi does the same, chewing it piece by piece, like it is—it is the last time she'll eat a breakfast, or any meal of the day for that matter, cooked by Joohyun. She gulps a glass of water, refills it and passes it to Joohyun who accepts it. Indirect kiss, Seulgi would have said teasingly if this is any other situation, but this is the closest thing they have to a kiss in months, and probably the last one they'll ever have in forever. </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>Joohyun cries harder and Seulgi takes her into her arms without missing a beat. Seulgi reaches for her trembling hand and intertwines it with hers, and for the last time she breathes in the scent of the person she was so sure she's going to marry, start a family with, and grow old with in the future. All those unmade plans go down the drain one by one as each tear falls, and Joohyun knows she's not the only one in mourning when Seulgi pulls her hand away and she finds a small ring pressed on her palm. </p><p>"Hyun—Joohyun, keep it," for the first time that morning, Seulgi's voice sounds desperate and helpless. "Something to remind you of me in the future. What we had... it would be a shame if we become faceless strangers after all those years." Joohyun nods, silently promising what Seulgi asked of her. </p><p>The rest of the day was a blur for Joohyun. She finds herself unfocused and unable to grasp the reality that she just threw away the fairytale happily ever after she has dreamed of since she was a little child, wanting to take it all back and ask for Seulgi's forgiveness. She keeps Seulgi's ring—her ring—inside her fist, afraid that it will fade away if she loosens her grip. Seulgi said words like "moving truck", "getting my things tomorrow first thing in the morning", "maybe I'll stay at Wendy's", "don't worry about me", "take care of yourself", and Joohyun wishes she can say something back, but the words die down her throat. </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Joohyun and Seulgi didn't really explicitly talk about moving in with each other. There wasn't a "sitting down to talk" moment, a "move in with me?" banner, or a heavy question uttered out in the open. It came in small, subtle heaps: a yellow toothbrush joining a pink one on the sink, an orange sweater getting hung next to a purple scarf on the rack, pillows that smell like Seulgi getting placed on the left side of Joohyun's king-sized bed. Seulgi didn't move in, she grew in. She made her way to Joohyun's apartment, made Joohyun's house her home. </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Seulgi is in every corner of the apartment, Seulgi's there even when she really isn't, Joohyun realizes when she stumbles upon the half-empty Pringles can in the leftmost shelf in their—her kitchen. </p><p>Which is probably why watching Seulgi gather her things and load them into the truck one day after their devastating breakup that left her in pieces was the hardest thing she has to stomach in her entire life. Joohyun stands idly in the corner, watching Seulgi carefully shove her closet's content in a suitcase and gets rid of all things yellow and orange around the apartment, and Joohyun feels like Seulgi—her favorite artist in the entire world—is erasing all the sketches and strokes she painted in their canvas. Joohyun notices that she leaves the framed picture of her and Joohyun on their first anniversary on her bedside table and her keys on the dining table, and she suddenly can't breathe. Seulgi doesn't notice, not that she ever looked in her direction, even once, during the entire morning. </p><p>"I'll be out of your hair before you know it," is what Seulgi softly says when she enters. "Thank you for everything, Joohyun," is what she equally softly says when she leaves. Seulgi leaves, taking all her belongings, half the apartment, and Joohyun's bleeding heart with her.</p><p>Joohyun cries again, sobbing uncontrollably, when the door closes and she's alone again. The apartment, once bursting with warmth and love, once ringing with Seulgi's laughter and gasps of passion, is now bare and stripped away of what made it feel like home for Joohyun. The pictures on the wall from different places, the scratches on the furniture from accidental mistakes, the memories made etched on every corner Seulgi laid her hands on, they felt empty now, useless, vacant, deserted, abandoned. Regret strikes Joohyun in the chest so strong that she sinks to her knees, clutching her heart. </p><p>She asks: Why didn't you fight for us, Seulgi? She asks again: Why did I let you go?</p><p>No one is there to answer her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. from what you won't ever find</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been months. </p><p>Long, unforgiving months since Joohyun broke up with Seulgi. Months since she last ate that awful breakfast with the person she wanted to wake up next to every morning for the rest of her life. Months since Seulgi gave her the diamond ring that she originally was going to give her on their fourth anniversary, with a glass of champagne and a question that will seal their fates forever with each other, just a few weeks shy of today. Months since Seulgi put all her belongings in a box, taped it tightly shut, left with them with not so much as a single sentence of gratitude, and never returned ever again. </p><p>Slow, painful months of Joohyun waking up alone in a bed that used to feel so complete, now feeling too big and too cold. Months of dully cooking breakfast for solely one person—not because she forgot or it slipped from her mind—but because there’s only one person residing in the apartment nowadays. Months of staring at the sink where a yellow toothbrush used to always lean towards a pink one, wondering if she did the right choice or she ultimately just destroyed the single happiness she thought she did right. Months of pretending she doesn’t miss the monolid girl, her perfect smile, the small mole above her eye, her scent and the feeling of her hugs and kisses. </p><p>It’s been months since she last talked to Seulgi. Or saw her face, for that matter. Joohyun thinks Seulgi is deliberately ignoring her, hastily taking the other route to work or skipping the convenience store they always go to for short breaks on purpose. Skipping their nights out with Wendy, Joy and Yeri with the poor excuse of working late at the office. Not coming back for her sketchbooks that she left underneath their—Joohyun’s bed. </p><p>Joohyun still has her cellphone number, finding no fight in her left to delete the single connection she has left of Seulgi besides the ring and memories she doesn’t know if she wants to forget and bury or reminisce and turn back. Seulgi hasn’t texted or called, and Joohyun hasn’t texted or called either, and there’s no point in waiting when they have nothing to talk about anyways. An apology, maybe, sewn and coming apart at the seams, a declaration of love, perhaps, but Joohyun doesn’t think she can muster enough courage to form sentences when—if she sees Seulgi again.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>The first time Joohyun and Seulgi were away from each other for more than two weeks, Seulgi went back home in Ansan to celebrate her brother's wedding with his longtime girlfriend. Her presence was greatly required since she's the groom's only sister, or sibling, and they needed her creative outputs when it comes to planning and decorating. Unfortunately, Joohyun couldn't join her because of work commitments, no matter how hard she tried to file for an emergency leave in the office, so Seulgi left with one plane ticket, a suitcase to last her for three weeks, and a tear-stained face with red, swollen eyes. Joohyun asks her to send her pictures of her two favorite things while she's away: the sky, and selcas of Seulgi's face.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm going to miss you so bad, Hyun," she whispers into Joohyun's shoulder, not showing any sign of breaking away from the tight hug she's currently locked in with the older girl. She rubs circles on the monolid girl's back, trying to console her and tell her that three weeks were just a few sleeps and they'll be back in each other's arms before Seulgi knows it. "Can't you just follow me there next week?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joohyun chuckles, wiping Seulgi's tears away. Her heart soars at how small and vulnerable Seulgi looks right now, and she briefly realizes that she is the cause of this, the reason why Seulgi, the most family-oriented person she has ever met, is having second thoughts about seeing her family face to face in person for the first time in months in such an important event. Suddenly, she feels so loved and in love, and she can't help but press a kiss on the crying girl's pouting lips. "You know I can't, baby. I tried everything."</em>
</p><p><em>"Have you tried escaping?" Seulgi blurts out, and laughs despite herself. Joohyun joins her immediately, pleased at the sign that Seulgi's mood is getting better as she was able to crack a joke. </em>(Or was it a joke? Joohyun still doesn't know up to this day.)</p><p>
  <em>"Come on, I'll help you pack," she says, but not without kissing Seulgi's cheeks again. Joohyun leads her into their shared bedroom, sits Seulgi down on the bed and goes to the closet to pull out Seulgi's luggage bag. When she looks back at Seulgi, the monolid girl is still at the same position she left her, staring at her with so much love and adoration, and Joohyun whips her head so fast to hide her growing blush. She takes out all the different hues of white, yellow and orange and stuffs them neatly into the bag, hoping that a piece of her will stay on the fabric so Seulgi wouldn't miss her too much while she was away in Ansan, ordering flower arrangements and striking up conversations with her cousins. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Joohyun feels a pair of arms embracing her from behind, and only then she finally lets the first tear fall. "I'm going to miss you so bad, too, Seul." </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>"Seulgi isn't coming?" </p><p>Joohyun asks the three girls expectantly, and it's the first time she's spoken Seulgi's name aloud in public in months. Most of the time, she only calls out Seulgi's name like a prayer during the night while laying on the younger girl's side of the bed, sobs wracking her small body as she desperately tries to cry her name as if it would bring her back. When the morning comes, Joohyun is left to lament silently, wistfully mulling over the fact no one is there to kiss her good morning anymore. Joohyun holds her breath as she waits for whoever breaks the awkward silence first, not knowing what answer she'd prefer. </p><p>It was Seungwan who spoke first. "She said she's busy."</p><p>It was also Seungwan that first knew about the breakup after Joohyun and Seulgi themselves. Seulgi and Seungwan are practically sisters from different mothers, joined at the hip since they were little kids. Joohyun remembers Seulgi joking once that she and Seungwan are a package deal, same with whoever Wendy dates in the future, and she remembers smiling over it, admiring their close friendship. Joohyun wouldn't be surprised if it was Seungwan who Seulgi came to after the monolid girl excused herself that morning, wouldn't be too shocked if it was Seungwan saw the heartbroken, crushed version of her former lover knocking on her door. </p><p>"Seulgi-unnie's always busy nowadays," Yerim says, though there's no hint of snark or malice to it. Joohyun notes it sounded like an exhausted sigh, exactly the way they talk about Seulgi's growing absences since the breakup. Joohyun and Seulgi both promised, albeit individually in two different situations (they haven't had a complete night out in months), that the devastating breakup wouldn't greatly affect their group's friendship dynamic, and the three, though reluctantly, believed and trusted them enough to not question their choices and their consequences. </p><p>Joohyun visibly deflates, resigning to the couch, and Yerim pats her back as she follows her with small, cautious steps. She wonders if this is how it's going to go down, if Seulgi's the one who's going to break the promise she made Joohyun swear on, if the breakup is truly the last time she's going to see Seulgi in the flesh. A lone tear escapes her eyes and the next thing she feels are an onslaught of sobs and three pairs of arms surrounding her tiny, shaking figure. </p><p>Joohyun and Seulgi never really shared details of how the breakup went, but the entire group knew it was mutual, bordering on the thin line between abruptness and closure. It was for the best, Seulgi said as the girls defeatingly let her; it felt like the right choice, Joohyun explains as they listen silently. But they were each other's chosen family, a connection made at the deepest root in their hearts, and every snap felt like a tremor and every break felt like an incursion. When Joohyun and Seulgi shattered, all five of them felt the repurcussions.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>"This is my best friend, Seungwannie," Seulgi introduces, gesturing to a short, blonde girl whose smile can combat the sun. Seungwan pulls her in for a hug and Joohyun feels so at peace even though she just met her, and she understands that, of course, her saint of a girlfriend would also have a saint of a best friend. Seulgi beams at them, obviously pleased that her two favorite people are getting along just well. She points to a taller girl besides Seungwan, and Joohyun briefly wonders if Seulgi and her friend group are all supermodels. "This is Sooyoung, Seungwan's girlfriend." Sooyoung settles for a handshake instead, but her smile is as equally as radiant as Seungwan's. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The four of them order their drinks and some pastries, and the double date goes well just as Joohyun expected. Seungwan and Sooyoung share embarrassing stories about Seulgi, Seulgi tells them overexaggerated stories of how beautiful and smart and kind Joohyun is, and Joohyun listens. When it ends, there's an exhange of cellphone numbers and promises of a next time. Seulgi snuggles cutely to Joohyun's side, unabashed while Joohyun turns beet red, softly thanking her for coming with her, while the other couple playfully snickers and tries to top their public display of affection.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next time the four of them meet up, Joohyun brings Yerim, a junior she lovingly considers her sister. Yerim fits in seamlessly like she was made to be there, and all four of them grow to love their maknae naturally. They've never felt more complete, ever, and Joohyun always stares at them four like they hung the moon and the stars. </em>
</p><hr/><p>Joohyun overhears the three of them—Seungwan, Sooyoung, Yerim—talking in hushed whispers over the movie while she pretends to be deep in slumber, eyes closed and breathing in sync. She doesn't have the energy to join their gossip train like old times yet, doesn't have the heart to force herself to talk when her energy was knocked out of her body since the breakup. So, Joohyun opts to listening quietly, still pretending to be asleep, her head in Seungwan's shoulder, while Sooyoung is on her other shoulder, and Yeri's head is on Joohyun's lap. They're all tangled together, a certain monolid girl missing, but Joohyun allows herself to revel in the solace of the moment, holding on to the small ounce of comfort she can grasp. However, the moment of peace doesn't stay long when she hears her ex-girlfriend's name. </p><p>"Did Seulgi-unnie tell you about him?" Yerim says, and Joohyun can't see her face, but she knows the question is directed at Seungwan. Seungwan shifts slightly and adjusts Joohyun and Sooyoung's heads on her shoulders before quietly answering a no. Joohyun wants to asks her if that's a lie, but she doesn't, so she keeps her eyes shut even though her heart is dreading the context of Yerim's question. </p><p>"Chaeyoung didn't mention anything either," Sooyoung counters, mentioning her best friend Chaeyoung, who apparently knew all the gossips from their circle of university batchmates. Joohyun unconsciously turns, uncomfortably irritated at the fact that she doesn't have a clue on what they're talking about. "It's just a bunch of cryptic Instagram posts and probably don't mean anything. Seulgi-unnie loves strolling at night and taking pictures, you know her. It's probably just a coincidence." </p><p>"Yeah, yeah," Yeri says, and Joohyun can hear the relief in her voice. Joohyun feels relief too, deep inside her heart, even though she only knew half the story. Uneasiness soon builds at the bottom of her stomach, and she feels the urge to throw up. "Jaebeom-oppa's a nice man, but she isn't Joohyun-unnie, you know? It's going to be so weird seeing Seulgi-unnie with anyone other than Joohyun-unnie." </p><p>When the movie's credits are already rolling, Seungwan gently shakes her awake, offering her the spare room in her and Sooyoung's spacious apartment to stay the night in. She smiles at the blonde girl, cupping her cheek with one hand as a form of gratitude, not trusting her words right now. When she enters the guest room, her heart is painfully hammering in her chest, beating so fast and loud she's afraid it's going to break free and shatter her ribcage. Joohyun sits down on the bed and takes her phone out of her pocket. </p><p>Joohyun's lock screen is a picture of her kissing Seulgi's cheek and she feels so pathetic for not wanting to change it to the default iPhone lock screen. She's holding on, even after all these months, and this is the only way to see Seulgi's face without opening her camera roll where more pictures of her are threatening to overwhelm her with regret. She opens Instagram for the first time in months, and the first thing she sees is a picture of her girlfriend—ex-girlfriend looking at the camera while the backdrop is the streets, she recognizes, where she would always accompany her for nightly walks. Joohyun can see Seulgi's smile through the mask and she unconsciously traces the outline of the younger girl's face without thinking twice. </p><p>God, she misses Seulgi so much. </p><p>There's no caption underneath the photo, but Joohyun sees that a certain user commented a single, red heart emoji. Curiousity gets the best of her and she taps at the handle and sees the name "Jaebeom" under the icon. Joohyun suddenly can't breathe but she's unable to stop scrolling until her eyes land on one of his posts, eerily similar to where Seulgi took her recent one. She stares blankly, she hates not knowing, she despises not receiving updates from Seulgi. She swallows, because she remembers she's the one who took away her right to know months ago. Joohyun presses the back arrow faster than her tears falling, begging to whoever that Sooyoung is right, that it's just an unfortunate coincidence. </p><p>Willing herself to look back at Seulgi's Instagram post, she sees that Jisoo, Seulgi's other close friend, commented a "nice to spend this day with you, let's meet again soon" and her tears momentarily stop. She feels a small sense of relief. Joohyun remembers being jealous of Jisoo once, at one point in their relationship, but stopped her pettiness when Seulgi laughs and explains that she and Jisoo are nothing more than friends. Seulgi laughs harder when Jennie, Joohyun's best friend, invites the both of them to a double date, and it turns out Jisoo is Jennie's girlfriend. She knows that Jisoo is still dating Jennie when she clicks on her Instagram page, her feed still full of selcas captioned with cheesy declarations of love. </p><p>Joohyun wonders if Seulgi's feed is still full of Joohyun's pictures, but she doesn't have the heart to be disappointed so she doesn't tap at the hyperlinked hi_sseulgi besides her ex-girlfriend's icon. Instead, she closes her eyes and lets her head fall back on the pillow and wonders if Seulgi deleted all of them. Joohyun wonders if Seulgi deleted all of their photos from her camera roll, if she put all of Joohyun's gifts in a box and put them in the basement of wherever she's staying in right now, if she tore out all the scribbles and sketches of Joohyun from her sketchbook, if she's removing Joohyun from her life. </p><p>But Joohyun still has the ring, chained as a pendant in her necklace, close to her heart. She wonders if the only reason Seulgi gave it to her is because she's getting rid of all things Joohyun in her life, and the ring is just one of the things she's throwing away. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>special thanks to christy for proofreading this chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. chapter 3: wings wouldn't help you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maybe Joohyun lied. </p><p>Maybe Joohyun lied when she told herself she doesn't know when it started breaking, when it started to not make sense. Maybe Joohyun lied when she tried to convince herself that she just woke up and fell out of love out of the blue, no explanation needed. Maybe Joohyun lied when she tried to defend herself from an accusation that never made it past Seulgi's lips, when she desperately tried to look for a reason when Seulgi never asked for one in the first place. </p><p>Joohyun can pinpoint where the cracks started even with her eyes closed. She has spent most of her nights lying awake in bed, staring up at her ceiling, memorizing her faults by heart as a form of torture. The unspoken insecurities, the undisclosed jealousy—she knows Seulgi felt it too. The arguments at the tips of their tongues, the harsh retorts that never made it past their filters—she knows Seulgi had those too. Instead of sharing their burdens with each other, halving it, they doubled it by letting it hang in the air and fester like an open wound until it settled deep within their bones and was left to rot. Joohyun knows Seulgi knows, and she knows that's the reason she never put up a fight that morning. </p><p>Maybe Joohyun lied when she told Seungwan over the phone that she's doing alright. She knows the smaller woman is checking up on her, but it somehow felt like an intrusion. Maybe Joohyun lied when she told Sooyoung she was too busy to accompany her to the mall. She knows she's trying to distract her from wallowing in pain and self-pity, but the idea of getting out of bed alone immensely exhausts her already. Maybe she lied when told Yerim she has nothing to worry about. She knows the younger girl knows she's lying, but she doesn't say anything. </p><p>Maybe Joohyun's lying when she says it's getting better day by day. Maybe Joohyun's lying when she says she doesn't want Seulgi back. Maybe Joohyun's lying when she convinces herself she doesn't want to fix everything, to ask for forgiveness and get on her knees if she needs to. </p><hr/><p>There's a timid knock on Joohyun's door one day. Her hand lets go of her mug's handle, closes her laptop in haste and she rubs her forehead in contemplation of who it might be. It might be her mom, who promised to visit Joohyun soon with homemade meals and motherly hugs once she learned about the breakup, or Seungwan, passing by to check up on her and give her freshly baked cookies with stories she tries so hard to distract Joohyun with, or her evil boss to drop off more papers to add to her already existing workload to compensate with Joohyun's countless leaves and absences. </p><p>Joohyun doesn't expect it to be Seulgi, though. In the flesh, time has been kind to Seulgi, looking so devastatingly beautiful that Joohyun forgets how to breathe through her lungs for a second. Her hair is noticeably shorter and dyed at the tips, her cheeks thinner but not in an unhealthy way, her eyes still the same shade of warm brown. Seulgi is glowing, Joohyun notes, and the cruel, heartbroken part of her wonders if the reason is someone, if Seulgi is here to rub it in her face that she's moved on while Joohyun stays glued to the past, replaying the montage of what could have been in her brain every night before she goes to sleep. </p><p>"Joohyun, hello," Seulgi breathes out, and she says it like a sigh of relief, like she's been holding it in. Seulgi visibly drinks in the sight of her ex-girlfriend, unabashedly scanning Joohyun from head to toe and Joohyun watches as her uneasy, hesitant smile turns into a frown. "Haven't you been eating?" When she still receives nothing and is met by silence, she tries again, "Can I come in?" </p><p>Joohyun wordlessly replies by stepping aside to give way to Seulgi. Seulgi steps in slowly, unsurely, and once upon a time Joohyun thinks of a time when this place was Seulgi's safe haven, where she excitedly come homes every night with a bag of takeout and hugs and kisses specifically reserved for Joohyun. Once upon a time Joohyun remembers the memories they built together in the very place they're standing on, the way it lingers in the space of the apartment and how it used to warm her heart every single time but now only haunts her like a ghost. </p><p>Seulgi must have been thinking the same thing because she tries to uplift the mood with a badly timed joke, "This place has changed so much." Seulgi tries to save it with a forced chuckle, but flinches when Joohyun looks at her with a blank expression and leaves her to go to the living room. </p><p>Joohyun sits down on the couch and Seulgi follows but puts a considerable amount of distance between them. Joohyun asks herself how this is the same couch they used to cuddle on during lazy mornings and rainy nights, arms and legs tangled with each other's, but stops herself before she inflicts more pain on herself in front of the person who broke her. She stays silent even when Seulgi clears her throat and attempts to stir up small talk. Seulgi asks about her, her job, her parents, their friends, but Joohyun stays painfully mute, staring at her with an unreadable look on her face. </p><p>It seems like Seulgi finally accepted defeat when she sighs tiredly and her shoulders visibly deflate. She hangs her head low, combing her hand through her hair, a habit she does whenever she's frustrated or irritated. Joohyun continues to watch her ex-girlfriend wordlessly, notices as a necklace with a pendant of the small letters J and B dip from her neck as Seulgi leans forward to put her head in her hands. </p><p><em>Jaebeom</em>. Of course. </p><p>Joohyun holds back the tears no matter how heavy they weigh on her eyelids, holds back the cries no matter how painful they tear through her heart. She has always been good at playing pretend, at masking her emotions before they could show on her face, at closing the pages before anyone could read the book that is her. Only Seulgi was good at reading her, which was probably why Seulgi chooses the perfect blow at an impeccable time to attack Joohyun with next. </p><p>"I'm leaving Seoul next week. I'm moving to Japan." </p><p>Seulgi scoops her into her arms when Joohyun breaks, tears flowing from her blooshot eyes uncontrollably, not bothering to stop them when she has no reason to anymore, when her reason is leaving and won't be there anymore. Seulgi's familiar warmth that she has missed so much and desperatey craved during cold nights only made her cry harder as she clutches to Seulgi's blouse like she's going to disappear into thin air if she makes the mistake of letting go. Joohyun registers the word breathe being repetitively whispered to her ear as she swims in pain that suffocates her and leaves her forgetting how to breathe.  </p><p>"The girls are sending me off. I want you to be there, Joohyun," Seulgi begins when Joohyun calms down, heavy sobs turning into to hiccups and sniffs. Joohyun hears the desperate plea, the last request, trickling from Seulgi's cracked, pained voice. "I want to see you one last time before I leave, Hyun-ah." </p><p>Joohyun shakes her head, promptly breaking away from Seulgi's tight embrace, and she watches in utter guilt as Seulgi shatters in front of her. Joohyun watches as Seulgi's expression contorts from visible disappointment to sadness to mild anger. Only for a short, swift moment, because Seulgi's determination seeps back into her as quickly as it faded away, and she presses on, "Why? What's the reason why you can't make it?"</p><p>If Joohyun was brave, she'd tell her the real reason. Joohyun doesn't want Seulgi to go, doesn't want her to move miles away from her where she won't be able to see and touch her and hear her voice. Joohyun doesn't want Seulgi to leave her, she wants to fix this, wants to apologize, wants to marry and raise a family with her. But in that moment, the cowardly part of her acts and she says: "I'm busy. I have commitments in my job and I can't just reschedule that for something not important." </p><p>Joohyun sees how Seulgi deflates hit-by-hit, blow-by-blow, as the intensity and ugly implications of Joohyun's untrue excuse settles and hangs in the air around them. The silence is lethal, sharp and cutting, twisting and driving in deeper. Seulgi abruptly stands up and Joohyun accidentally catches a glimpse of her necklace again, as if it's mocking her and laughing while doing so, as she bows in front of Joohyun and says her ungenuine farewell. </p><p>For the second time, Joohyun watches Seulgi leave and shut the door, and it hurts more than the first. </p><hr/><p>"You're an idiot, Joohyun-unnie." </p><p>Yerim shows up in her apartment unannounced, letting herself in with her own set of keys, yelling at Joohyun first thing in the morning without greeting her a good morning. Joohyun doesn't try to scold her for it, doesn't even try to formulte a sassy retort, finding no strength in her left to do so, and she lets herself get shouted at by someone who's approximately eight years younger than her. </p><p>"You're such an idiot, Joohyun-unnie." Yerim reiterates, emphasizing each word. Joohyun knows there's no real malice to it, but even if there is, she'd agree with Yerim. She keeps her eyes shut, doesn't bother to lift her head from the pillow, and pulls her warm blanket and Seulgi's pillow that still smells like her closely. With a tired chuckle she teases, "Not even a good morning first, Yerim-ah?" </p><p>"I'll smack the hell out of you and show you what a good morning is," Yerim threatens before settling at the ends of Joohyun's bed. She sighs loudly and unceremonially plops on the space next to Joohyun. "Why won't you come and join us in sending Seulgi-unnie off to the airport?" </p><p>Joohyun groans audibly, burying her head in the pillow trying to chase the remaining scent of Seulgi in it. It's so easy to pretend she's hugging the monolid woman right now, holding her tightly still heavy with sleep, it's so easy to hear her chuckle and feel her morning kiss on her cheek, but she knows she's somewhere out there, packing her luggage and probably cuddling with someone else in between, and she's here, trying to find the right words to explain she doesn't want to see Seulgi leave with her own two eyes. </p><p>"Work. You know how busy I am."</p><p>"Yeah, bullshit. That's also what Seulgi-unnie said." </p><p>"Watch your language, young lady," Joohyun playfully wiggles a finger in front of her, trying to lighten up the situation as she thinks of a way to avoid the topic altogether. Joohyun allows herself to think of Seulgi meeting with the three of them without her, and wonders why it tastes like bitter betrayal when she does the same and hears nothing from Seulgi. "She already said it to you, why is it so hard to believe that?"</p><p>Yerim lets out a hollow chuckle, the amusement not reaching her eyes. "Weren't you the same person who filed a sick leave from the office because you, and I quote, wanted to sleep in because Seulgi's so warm and fluffy like a teddy bear?" </p><p>"Leave me alone, Yerim." </p><p>"No, unnie. I want to know why you're running away from Seulgi-unnie when it's obvious you want her back." </p><p>"It's not easy like that, Yerim-ah."</p><p>"It is! If only you try—"</p><p>"No, it's not!" </p><p>Joohyun instantaneously sits up from her previous position and lets go of the blanket and the pillow, chest heaving up and down in visible frustration. She closes her eyes shut and takes in a deep breath, careful to not lose her composure even further in front of the younger woman. She lets her face soften before looking at Yerim and choosing her next words carefully.  "I know you guys have been affected by our breakup, but the choice relies on us. Solely on the both of us. We appreciate the help, really, but too much of it will only do more harm than good."</p><p>Yerim nods and offers a small, mumbled apology, almost too hushed for her to hear, and Joohyun lets in a little amount of shock seep through her at how easily Yerim gave up. It's always been the inside joke among the five of them that Yerim is Joohyun and Seulgi's daughter, and she got their combined competitiveness and determination. Realization dawns upon Joohyun that they've changed so much, everything has changed, within the course of a few months, and it makes her want to throw up and curl herself into a ball. </p><p>"It doesn't change anything though. You're still an idiot."</p><p>"I know, Yerim-ah. I know."</p><hr/><p>When she arrives at the small yet cozy cafe near her apartment building, Seulgi's already sitting with her back straight on one of the chairs, her fingers pressing into the table one by one like she's stroking piano keys. Joohyun doesn't need to come closer to know that Seulgi's nervous, and maybe it's because she spent so many years with her and her little mannerisms or the fact that she's also nervous herself. </p><p>Joohyun takes her precious time strolling closer to the table, taking small steps on purpose to stall. She already forgot the script she rehearsed in her head last night, all thrown out of the window the moment Seulgi decides to show up with her hair down and a purple blouse that hugs her figure loosely. It makes her want to kiss her in front of all of these other people, and it makes her think that there was once a time she had the power to do that. </p><p>Seulgi stands up immediately after spotting Joohyun, a hesitant, small smile painted on her lips. She looks like she was planning to go for a hug but retracts at the last second and opts for a small bow instead. "Good afternoon, Joohyun. You—you wanted to talk about something?" She slowly begins, not leaving any time for Joohyun to be the one to initiate small talks this time as a compensation for the last time they met. </p><p>"When do you leave? To Japan?" </p><p>"Tomorrow morning." Seulgi answers, biting her lower lip. She searches for Joohyun's eyes and lets herself hope for a second. "Are you—are you coming?" </p><p>"No." Joohyun answers flatly, but Seulgi doesn't deflate visibly. But Joohyun notices the way her shoulders sag slightly, and it hits her square in the chest that she still knows Seulgi so well after all their months apart. When her gaze drifts from Seulgi's exposed collarbone to her necklace, still donning the JB pendant, it slaps her at the face that she doesn't know much about Seulgi anymore. Seulgi follows her line of sight and shyly tucks her necklace back inside with blushing cheeks. </p><p>Joohyun wants to scream and tear out her hair. Instead of doing that, she utters out, "This is closure, Seulgi. We both deserve it."</p><p>Seulgi looks up at her, a defeated yet determined look on her face. If Joohyun looks closer, she might see a hint of desperation, but she looks away. Seulgi tries to grasp both of her hands tightly but Joohyun snatches them away and hides them in her pockets. "Closure? You really can't see us getting back together, Joohyun-ah?"</p><p>'<em>Yes I do, I think about it every single time,</em>' Joohyun wants to answer, '<em>but you're leaving tomorrow and there's no time for us left and I have to and I need to move on so it won't hurt more.</em>' Joohyun thinks of where they're standing at after all the repurcussions and aftershocks of what happened and ended the past few months. Joohyun thinks of all the irreversible damages, the irreperable cracks, the immeasurable pain that runs deep in their fragile hearts. All she could offer is silence, the cold, ugly silence that both of them have been so familiar with—the silence that ended their relationship, the silence that came after it, the silence that's still here.</p><p>"So this is where it ends?" </p><p>Joohyun's voice breaks. "Yes." </p><p>"Goodbye, Joohyun-ah."</p><p>Seulgi silently gets up without another word, brushing off the tears that are making their way down her cheeks one by one and unconsciously touches the pendant of her necklace and catches Joohyun staring again. Seulgi fishes out the necklace to give Joohyun a better view, and for a moment Joohyun's afraid she's going to mock her with it, rub it in her face that she has someone else. Joohyun holds the protest at the tip of her tongue, her eyebrows raised, heart quivering in fear.Seulgi beats her to it, mumbling quietly but with a strong genuineness that makes Joohyun weak in the knees, "I know what you're thinking, and it's not that. It's J.B. for Joohyun Bae. It's always been you, Joohyun. Always."</p><p>Seulgi leaves and Joohyun swallows the bitter taste in her mouth along with the salty tears.</p><hr/><p>Maybe Joohyun lied. </p><p>This is not where it ends.</p><hr/><p>"Seulgi, wait!" Joohyun gets up from her seat and chases the monolid girl as far as her feet can carry her. Her head frantically whips from left to right as she made her way outside the cafe. She curses herself for being so stupid as she runs from one corner to the other to search for Seulgi, bumping into and gaining dirty looks from pedestrians along the sidewalk. But she can't bring herself to care when she's finally got it all figured out, for the first time since she ruined everything months ago. "Seulgi-yah, where are you?" </p><p>Joohyun almost laughs at the genericness of the scene that's unfolding in front of her, a scene plucked out straight from a rom-com movie. This is the part where it suddenly starts raining and the other lead appears drenched out of thin air. This is the part where they make up and kiss and the credits roll, but this is not a movie and it's too sunny and she's sweating and she doesn't know where Seulgi is. </p><p>Joohyun calls Seulgi's phone and she answers on the first ring, drawing out a sigh of relief from the older woman. She puts the phone to her ear and blocks out the other to hear Seulgi on the other line better. </p><p>"Seulgi?" </p><p>"Joohyun? Why?"</p><p>"I love you so much, Kang Seulgi," Joohyun begins, tears already leaking at the corner of her eyes. God, she was supposed to say this in front of Seulgi and not through a phone in the middle of the street, but she figures she doesn't really have a choice. Not when she's hanging by a thin thread that could potentially snap at any minute. Not when she might not get any other chance to fit the puzzle pieces back together into a whole once again. "I was stupid to ever let you go, Seulgi. I don't want this to end. I didn't mean what I said earlier. Please... can we please talk about this? All this?" </p><p>There's a long, silent pause at the other line. Joohyun bites her tongue in suspense and anticipation, she has already laid out all her cards on the table, she has let all her walls and armor down, and the silence that already took away so much from her scares her more than ever. Everything that comes afterward solely and entirely depends upon Seulgi now, and the only weapon that Joohyun can fight the uncertainty with is patience. Joohyun grips her phone tighter and she can feel the ring press on the skin on her finger protrudely, a stable symbol of Seulgi's love, a fixed reminder to cling to. </p><p>"I love you too, Bae Joohyun, but," Seulgi says slowly and Joohyun presses the phone closer to her ear and covers her hand holding it with the other, feeling the ring more tangibly now. The halt in her tone makes Joohyun want to run away and smash her phone into pieces, but she doesn't, she deals with it, stays with it, just like what she should have done months ago. The fear resonates within her bones, it makes her uneasy but she doesn't back down, no matter how the seconds feel like they're getting dragged into minutes and hours. She hears Seulgi clear her throat on the other line, "I didn't quite get what you said after that. The service here is kind of horrible."</p><p>Joohyun laughs, for real, for the first time since that morning, months ago. </p><hr/><p>Three years later</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun knows how it started again. She also knows that it won't end. </p><p>What she also knows is one day she wakes up from a satisfying sleep, sleepily reaches for Seulgi's side of the bed, scoots close next to her wife of two years and feels everything she has ever loved. At first, she thinks it was just the fact that Seulgi just got home from an overseas business trip and she hasn't seen her in almost a week. Joohyun tightens her hold on Seulgi, trying to generate more warmth from their combined body heat, and the more she tightens her hold the more she feels safe and secure. The younger girl stirs in her sleep, mumbling nonsense incoherently, and Joohyun keeps her loving stare directed at her peaceful face, never getting tired of it, which is exactly what she promised Seulgi on their fifth date.</p><p>Joohyun lets go and gets up from the bed she shared with Seulgi for the better part of their married years. She looks at the sleeping girl again, chasing that drowsy lovesickness early in the morning. She gets the urge to pepper a sleeping Seulgi with kisses or stare at her lovingly until she wakes up, craves the feeling of sleeping in until early noon, just cuddling with the monolid girl while she slips in and out of dreamland. Joohyun's heartbeat quickens for a second, because of Seulgi, and the unfading intensity of her love for her. She kisses her wife's forehead and exits their bedroom. </p><p>Joohyun goes to the kitchen and makes breakfast for them. She and Seulgi are getting better at cooking, the fruit of their multiple attempts to attend a couple of cooking classes here and there. They take turns in cooking meals daily, and she briefly remembers that it's Seulgi's turn today but quickly discards the idea because she already poured the oil and cracked three pieces of eggs. She feels a pair of arms encircle her waist and she relaxes in the warmth, and she turns around to give Seulgi a brief kiss. </p><p>"Three eggs?" Seulgi teases her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, and Joohyun swats her hand away to do it for the younger girl with fondness twinkling in her eyes. Joohyun's free hand maneuvers the spatula and she effortlessly flips the eggs with ease, returning the backhug and tightens Seulgi's arm across her waist and the younger girl lets her hand rest on the slight bump.</p><p>"I'm eating for two people, remember?" Joohyun answers with a cheeky grin and Seulgi flashes her a smile so bright and so full of love that no words are needed, and the silence finally grows comfortable. Seulgi gingerly kisses her cheek and slowly breaks away from the hug, yawning and leaning in for a full kiss on the lips. Joohyun connects their lips swiftly, and Seulgi looks at her with a mixture of unconditional love and adoration. </p><p>Joohyun knows she'll never let Seulgi go ever again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>that circle ending is so messy LOL. thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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